Robert Daniel Fierro, the funniest man in America who doesn’t get a dime from Hollywood, wrote a note about the secession talk being bandied about in Texas. It’s not directly related to racing, of course, but the issue under discussion made me wonder what would happen to our favorite Texas racetrack, Lone Star?
Don’t break a rib laughing. Native New Yorker Fierro pulls no punches:
Well, this [talk] dovetails nicely into recent Texas polls which shows an overwhelming majority of Republicans favor secession from the United States. At the risk of offending anyone on this list who is a native of the Lone Star State, or lives there or likes it (outside of the Paseo del Rio, and Fredericksburg), here is my take: Go ahead, secede. Go away. Oh, BTW, you know the Ocala and Keeneland sales and the Saratoga and Santa Anita race meets you go to all the time? Need a passport now. Like Las Vegas or Broadway? Show us your credentials. At the security check-in center.
Also, if you live in Texas and cross into Oklahoma, New Mexico, Louisiana or Arkansas each day to go to work, you’ll need a passport to cross the border through a security system that your new country will have to build along its rather long and winding border and fund by itself. That means, holy longhorn!, you’ll have to raise taxes to pay for that, along with the thousands of miles of interstate highway that you will now be responsible for repairing. Because we are going to take away the subsidies you po’ folk get from the rest of us—Texas gets the highest per capita funding in Federal dollars of any state in the country, and now we get it back to spread around. Need the money for Obamacare, don’t you know?
Also, you know that Fort Hood place and that big Strategic Air Command base in San Antonio and all the other military bases that are the property of us “furiners” in what we refer to as the United States of America? Buh-bye! New York will take one of them off your hands (my brother let me in the cockpit of a B-52 once when he was head of the SAC training school so I know my way around one), and I am sure Illinois and California and Oregon wouldn’t mind improving their economies with the influx of jobs that such a massive desertion would create.
And speaking of desertion, you will now have to raise your own army and pay them (oh, those taxes are adding up) and maybe you’ll want to revenge the Alamo then and invade Mexico. Of course, when you get your asses collectively kicked by the Mexican army and the drug lords who work for them, you will no doubt need a sovereign member of the UN to help negotiate a peace treaty. “No, Canada!” Call us—we hear there’s a nice old railway car in Versailles (France, not Kentucky) where y’all can settle in, light up, and get the the terms of the treaty (no more Dos Equis for breakfast).
And, that space center in Houston? Buh-bye! Florida could use another several thousand jobs, unless that moron Rubio is elected Senator, of course. Then we’ll give it to Massachusetts—shuttles taking off from Cape Cod, what would Teddy have thunk? Imagine that—NASA has a branch in Provincetown, where people are over the moon all the time.
And that’s just the beginning. As your own country, you will no doubt have absolutely no influence on history textbook curricula for the remaining 49 states so that publishers won’t have to worry how to split the difference between historical fact and cretinism.
Sorry about that Austin, we hate to see you go. Dallas and Houston, on the other hand…leave, go away, take Tom Delay, Rick Perry, Dick Armey and all those other swell guys with you (with Anne Richards and Molly Ivins gone, there’s no one left with a sense of humor, or perspective.) Oh, and while you’re at it, you might want to take South Carolina with you—but you can leave Charleston behind. Fort Sumter, you can have it, too.
Adios, amigos, nice to know you, glad to see you go. Since I have no blog and no intention to start one, you can share this with anyone you wish, especially anyone who can supply me with the security I will no doubt need the next time I show up at a sale somewhere.
Anyone still in need of political humor can click on the links to “Fred on Everything” or “Page One Kentucky” in the right-hand panel. They are very different and wickedly funny.